so halloween is upon us. but there is a shroud of gloom over the city as hurricane sandy finally leaves NYC. lives have been lost, homes destroyed, lives utterly ruined.
i hope there are some who will carry on in the wake of this horrific tragedy
And this year i am alone, yet again. i should be adjusting halloween decorations, preparing candy bags and toys, getting my costume ready. but no. i'm here alone plunking away at my keyboard.
though last year was fun. i spent it in toronto by going to a haunted puppet show and a haunted theme park but... you know how that ended. being mocked of one's mental affliction is certainly not a good way to show someone affection.
speaking of disappointment, due to the storm ravaging nyc the halloween parade is cancelled and all subways are shut down.
so much for trying to cheer myself up in the city. i hate my fucking life. my physical health has become an issue, my mental health is teetering between utter despondency and stability... i wish this would just fucking end.
I've mentioned I applied for disability. I hope i get it. the money will help with bills since i now have no photoshop contracts.
speaking of my financial situation, i dont know how much longer i can take of applying to jobs. i'm so tired. something has to give. something has to break. something good has to happen.
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and that's it.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Sunday, October 28, 2012
that wasn't so bad
well. i'm pleased with myself. i wrote a blog longer than 2 paragraphs.
now then. where to begin...?
now then. where to begin...?
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Question from a reader: A. Quinones - "What happened with your depression?"
A reader asked about my bipolar issue and why it's gotten worse in the last 3 yrs.
Where to begin? Self loathing, fear of people talking down to you, low morale/self esteem, pushing away others over an imagined slight, extreme fatigue, almost feeling on the edge of breaking down in tears, the smothering feeling when you're alone, the sense of hopelessness, despair, and utter despondency.
A big problem with bipolar depression is the lack of impulse control. case in point 2 weeks ago (or less) i was paid 300 dollars for some work. I blew it all in one day.
It's a horrible sensation standing on the edge of the pit. Not knowing whether or not you'll fall in. I was never like this. Before the Albany Incident, I was in control of my disorder w/o having the need of therapy or medication. But the Albany Incident broke me. I came back to NYC a broken mess. Full of hate, self loathing, and an extreme disdain of people. One day I'll elaborate as to what happened up in Albany. suffice it to say, it broke me emotionally speaking.
I unfortunately pushed away many people who couldn't understand my pain. The people I helped in the past were practically ignoring me when I asked for help. To not leave me alone. To make sure I don't fall into the pit. Eventually I put on a brave face and let people think I recovered. I got my revenge on my so-called friends and called them out on their bullshit lives and humiliated them in front of their friends and loves ones etc. But that's another story for another day.
The pain of being horrifically emotionally abused finally took their toll and I began drink and do drugs. Eventually I started on heroin. I cannot remember much of those days, all I know is that emotional pain went away.
Eventually, somehow, I stopped. I wish I can remember what happened, what I did... but I just stopped cold turkey. It was a freaking ordeal to say the very least.
Time passed and I began to recover. Sisyphus and his boulder didn't have the task I had I should say. But the damage was already done. I lost a good portion of friends who didn't leave NYC, I was still hurting but not as bad as before.
I finally met someone from Detroit who was quite the opposite of the Albany Ex in many ways. Unfortunately she tended to be a little too blunt (but not in a bad way) and terse at times and it rubbed me the wrong way. I kept thinking back to the Albany Ex. Because of a few minor spats, I began to slip back into the pit. I even went as far as dated another woman two nights after a fight I had with Detroit. She had said something which really hurt me but she didn't realize at the time. Boom. Negative trigger. On impulse for some reason, I sought someone else. Why, i dont know. But thank god the date was a disaster.The woman i met in NYC was a vain, smug introvert.
Satisfied with myself that I wasn't the cheating player type, i put the nasty incident behind and resumed things with Detroit. But the shroud of the Albany Incident hung heavy.
Depression hangs over you like that. Like the Sword of Damocles.
Finally it was decided I would move out to Detroit to live with her and job hunt. Even if i had to work at the fast food joints near us. Which isn't a problem. I like cooking so being a cook would be fine.
But then 2 months before I was to move, i was told by detroit that she didn't want to live with me because of her faith. That was a horrific blow. We've had intimate contact BEFORE marriage and now she was telling me she didn't want to live with me outside of marriage?
There were some other things in the email but it was incredibly long and besides that fact, my mind was still reeling from her saying she didn't want to live with me even though we talked about living together.
Enter the 2nd breakdown...
I wrote back I didn't want to hear a thing from her because of that letter she sent me. The depression was in full swing and the suicidal thoughts came flooding back. Not one day passed in which i didnt think of killing myself. my heart was utterly destroyed.
i reacted badly to people, i removed them from my friend's list on facebook, i erased phone numbers, i said and did horrible things to people because of the pain I was in. Detroit was one of them unfortunately.
The pain, self loathing, and hatred of humanity came back hard and it lasted an unusually long time. Almost a year and a half in fact.
sidenote -
There was a horrible horrible occurrence with someone from Canada in early 2012 who called me a dickless wonder because of my depression. So much for happiness. I dont know if i can be with someone who could understand the ups and downs i was enduring. dickless wonder.. wtf. God that pissed me off to no end. Worse was she was fucking insulting me behind my back.
Flash forward to late spring 2012. I've had enough. i've had enough of the pain and despondency. My health began to fail and with it my emotional well being. It took a lot of willpower but I dragged myself to a shrink and got the medication i so desperately needed.
There are still some dark days but not as bad as before. Will I fully recover? No, i doubt it. Will i ever be really happy. Who's to say. Will I contact Detroit? i dont think i will. they don't need someone as broken as me in their lives.
Where to begin? Self loathing, fear of people talking down to you, low morale/self esteem, pushing away others over an imagined slight, extreme fatigue, almost feeling on the edge of breaking down in tears, the smothering feeling when you're alone, the sense of hopelessness, despair, and utter despondency.
A big problem with bipolar depression is the lack of impulse control. case in point 2 weeks ago (or less) i was paid 300 dollars for some work. I blew it all in one day.
It's a horrible sensation standing on the edge of the pit. Not knowing whether or not you'll fall in. I was never like this. Before the Albany Incident, I was in control of my disorder w/o having the need of therapy or medication. But the Albany Incident broke me. I came back to NYC a broken mess. Full of hate, self loathing, and an extreme disdain of people. One day I'll elaborate as to what happened up in Albany. suffice it to say, it broke me emotionally speaking.
I unfortunately pushed away many people who couldn't understand my pain. The people I helped in the past were practically ignoring me when I asked for help. To not leave me alone. To make sure I don't fall into the pit. Eventually I put on a brave face and let people think I recovered. I got my revenge on my so-called friends and called them out on their bullshit lives and humiliated them in front of their friends and loves ones etc. But that's another story for another day.
The pain of being horrifically emotionally abused finally took their toll and I began drink and do drugs. Eventually I started on heroin. I cannot remember much of those days, all I know is that emotional pain went away.
Eventually, somehow, I stopped. I wish I can remember what happened, what I did... but I just stopped cold turkey. It was a freaking ordeal to say the very least.
Time passed and I began to recover. Sisyphus and his boulder didn't have the task I had I should say. But the damage was already done. I lost a good portion of friends who didn't leave NYC, I was still hurting but not as bad as before.
I finally met someone from Detroit who was quite the opposite of the Albany Ex in many ways. Unfortunately she tended to be a little too blunt (but not in a bad way) and terse at times and it rubbed me the wrong way. I kept thinking back to the Albany Ex. Because of a few minor spats, I began to slip back into the pit. I even went as far as dated another woman two nights after a fight I had with Detroit. She had said something which really hurt me but she didn't realize at the time. Boom. Negative trigger. On impulse for some reason, I sought someone else. Why, i dont know. But thank god the date was a disaster.The woman i met in NYC was a vain, smug introvert.
Satisfied with myself that I wasn't the cheating player type, i put the nasty incident behind and resumed things with Detroit. But the shroud of the Albany Incident hung heavy.
Depression hangs over you like that. Like the Sword of Damocles.
Finally it was decided I would move out to Detroit to live with her and job hunt. Even if i had to work at the fast food joints near us. Which isn't a problem. I like cooking so being a cook would be fine.
But then 2 months before I was to move, i was told by detroit that she didn't want to live with me because of her faith. That was a horrific blow. We've had intimate contact BEFORE marriage and now she was telling me she didn't want to live with me outside of marriage?
There were some other things in the email but it was incredibly long and besides that fact, my mind was still reeling from her saying she didn't want to live with me even though we talked about living together.
Enter the 2nd breakdown...
I wrote back I didn't want to hear a thing from her because of that letter she sent me. The depression was in full swing and the suicidal thoughts came flooding back. Not one day passed in which i didnt think of killing myself. my heart was utterly destroyed.
i reacted badly to people, i removed them from my friend's list on facebook, i erased phone numbers, i said and did horrible things to people because of the pain I was in. Detroit was one of them unfortunately.
The pain, self loathing, and hatred of humanity came back hard and it lasted an unusually long time. Almost a year and a half in fact.
sidenote -
There was a horrible horrible occurrence with someone from Canada in early 2012 who called me a dickless wonder because of my depression. So much for happiness. I dont know if i can be with someone who could understand the ups and downs i was enduring. dickless wonder.. wtf. God that pissed me off to no end. Worse was she was fucking insulting me behind my back.
Flash forward to late spring 2012. I've had enough. i've had enough of the pain and despondency. My health began to fail and with it my emotional well being. It took a lot of willpower but I dragged myself to a shrink and got the medication i so desperately needed.
There are still some dark days but not as bad as before. Will I fully recover? No, i doubt it. Will i ever be really happy. Who's to say. Will I contact Detroit? i dont think i will. they don't need someone as broken as me in their lives.
So the weekend is upon me. I started my Wellbutrin regime alongside my Vyvanse and Abilify. The dark cloud that hangs over my head seems to have dissipated and the black dog that hounds my every move is asleep.
Maybe this cocktail of ADHD and anti-depressive meds is doing the trick. I don't feel the urge to break down in tears, nor do I feel as if people are against me. Now what's left is to tackle my lack of motivation to do anything. One of the common problems of depression is the lack of interest in things I liked to do. I get bored very quickly of books, tv shows, movies, and hobbies. I got over 40 books I've not read yet due to disinterest. It sucks.
I might be going to a Haunted House this Wednesday. Should be fun. I've always loved those attractions. Even the non-Halloween fun houses I'm quite fond of.
Infinity Comics' 2nd issue, Tales of Danger has been delayed since the summer. And now it looks like we might not make the Halloween deadline. I swear it's as if it's artists versus writers sometimes.
And that's it for now. nothing happened today so this entry is short.
Maybe this cocktail of ADHD and anti-depressive meds is doing the trick. I don't feel the urge to break down in tears, nor do I feel as if people are against me. Now what's left is to tackle my lack of motivation to do anything. One of the common problems of depression is the lack of interest in things I liked to do. I get bored very quickly of books, tv shows, movies, and hobbies. I got over 40 books I've not read yet due to disinterest. It sucks.
I might be going to a Haunted House this Wednesday. Should be fun. I've always loved those attractions. Even the non-Halloween fun houses I'm quite fond of.
Infinity Comics' 2nd issue, Tales of Danger has been delayed since the summer. And now it looks like we might not make the Halloween deadline. I swear it's as if it's artists versus writers sometimes.
I wish I continued my lessons when I was younger, I'd be doing most if not all the work for IC.
And that's it for now. nothing happened today so this entry is short.
Friday, October 26, 2012
Damn you Google+
Just like Facebook, Google had to upgrade my journal to be "Google+ friendly". Lovely. The format is different yet again, I can't access any of the emails of the subscribers (it went from 300 to 320 in a day) nor can I see other information. Well I can but it's gibberish to me. This is going to be a pain. I know it.
Anyway.
The Abilify is helping me in deal with my bipolar disorder. Still doesn't remove the bad memories of things I've done and said to people when in the midst of a depressive episode. So many people I pushed away because of negative triggers.
The Vyvanse is also helping me control my ADHD but not much. Instead of upping the dosage, he's ordered me to take Wellbutrin as well. We'll see how that works.
Still no luck in finding work here. I hate NYC with a passion. I hate this life and the pain that goes with it.
Well I'm bored with this. I'll write more later.
Anyway.
The Abilify is helping me in deal with my bipolar disorder. Still doesn't remove the bad memories of things I've done and said to people when in the midst of a depressive episode. So many people I pushed away because of negative triggers.
The Vyvanse is also helping me control my ADHD but not much. Instead of upping the dosage, he's ordered me to take Wellbutrin as well. We'll see how that works.
Still no luck in finding work here. I hate NYC with a passion. I hate this life and the pain that goes with it.
Well I'm bored with this. I'll write more later.
Saturday, October 20, 2012
so.
last monday i went to get evaluated to see if i qualify for disability. god i hope i get it. please god, give me this. with this money i can save up for bills, buy webspace for my comic companies, save up a little bit of spending $$ for myself, go to a real gym (with a new mp3 player so i wont get bored) and have a normal life.
something interesting at the evaluation. i found out i have adhd not add. that explains so much. impulse control problems being one of them. for example, the week before this monday i earned 300 bucks for doing someones page. i blew half of it on a call girl which turned out to be less than satisfactory (according to her, i was ridiculously handsome, smelled great but gave off a predatory vibe and it made her nervous) and some of the rest for a funeral wreath. later that night i went out to drink.i remember coming back home then just sleeping most of saturday. i swear on my godfathers ashes i dont remember what i remember doing with the rest of the money. less than 24 hrs i blew 300 bucks. fucking christ that pissed me off. fucking impulse shit.
and i lost interest in writing the blog. im bored. fuck off
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