Saturday, October 27, 2012

Question from a reader: A. Quinones - "What happened with your depression?"

A reader asked about my bipolar issue and why it's gotten worse in the last 3 yrs.

Where to begin? Self loathing, fear of people talking down to you, low morale/self esteem, pushing away others over an imagined slight, extreme fatigue, almost feeling on the edge of breaking down in tears, the smothering feeling when you're alone, the sense of hopelessness, despair, and utter despondency.

A big problem with bipolar depression is the lack of impulse control. case in point 2 weeks ago (or less) i was paid 300 dollars for some work. I blew it all in one day.

It's a horrible sensation standing on the edge of the pit. Not knowing whether or not you'll fall in. I was never like this. Before the Albany Incident, I was in control of my disorder w/o having the need of therapy or medication. But the Albany Incident broke me. I came back to NYC a broken mess. Full of hate, self loathing, and an extreme disdain of people. One day I'll elaborate as to what happened up in Albany. suffice it to say, it broke me emotionally speaking.

I unfortunately pushed away many people who couldn't understand my pain. The people I helped in the past were practically ignoring me when I asked for help. To not leave me alone. To make sure I don't fall into the pit. Eventually I put on a brave face and let people think I recovered. I got my revenge on my so-called friends and called them out on their bullshit lives and humiliated them in front of their friends and loves ones etc. But that's another story for another day.

The pain of being horrifically emotionally abused finally took their toll and I began drink and do drugs. Eventually I started on heroin. I cannot remember much of those days, all I know is that emotional pain went away.

Eventually, somehow, I stopped. I wish I can remember what happened, what I did... but I just stopped cold turkey. It was a freaking ordeal to say the very least.

Time passed and I began to recover. Sisyphus and his boulder didn't have the task I had I should say. But the damage was already done. I lost a good portion of friends who didn't leave NYC, I was still hurting but not as bad as before.

I finally met someone from Detroit who was quite the opposite of the Albany Ex in many ways. Unfortunately she tended to be a little too blunt (but not in a bad way) and terse at times and it rubbed me the wrong way. I kept thinking back to the Albany Ex. Because of a few minor spats, I began to slip back into the pit. I even went as far as dated another woman two nights after a fight I had with Detroit. She had said something which really hurt me but she didn't realize at the time. Boom. Negative trigger. On impulse for some reason, I sought someone else. Why, i dont know. But thank god the date was a disaster.The woman i met in NYC was a vain, smug introvert.

Satisfied with myself that I wasn't the cheating player type, i put the nasty incident behind and resumed things with Detroit. But the shroud of the Albany Incident hung heavy.

Depression hangs over you like that. Like the Sword of Damocles.

Finally it was decided I would move out to Detroit to live with her and job hunt. Even if i had to work at the fast food joints near us. Which isn't a problem. I like cooking so being a cook would be fine.
But then 2 months before I was to move, i was told by detroit that she didn't want to live with me because of her faith. That was a horrific blow. We've had intimate contact BEFORE marriage and now she was telling me she didn't want to live with me outside of marriage?

There were some other things in the email but it was incredibly long and besides that fact, my mind was still reeling from her saying she didn't want to live with me even though we talked about living together.

Enter the 2nd breakdown...

I wrote back I didn't want to hear a thing from her because of that letter she sent me. The depression was in full swing and the suicidal thoughts came flooding back. Not one day passed in which i didnt think of killing myself. my heart was utterly destroyed.

i reacted badly to people, i removed them from my friend's list on facebook, i erased phone numbers, i said and did horrible things to people because of the pain I was in. Detroit was one of them unfortunately.

The pain, self loathing, and hatred of humanity came back hard and it lasted an unusually long time. Almost a year and a half in fact.

sidenote -
There was a horrible horrible occurrence with someone from Canada in early 2012 who called me a dickless wonder because of my depression. So much for happiness. I dont know if i can be with someone who could understand the ups and downs i was enduring. dickless wonder.. wtf. God that pissed me off to no end. Worse was she was fucking insulting me behind my back.

Flash forward to late spring 2012. I've had enough. i've had enough of the pain and despondency. My health began to fail and with it my emotional well being. It took a lot of willpower but I dragged myself to a shrink and got the medication i so desperately needed.

There are still some dark days but not as bad as before. Will I fully recover? No, i doubt it. Will i ever be really happy. Who's to say. Will I contact Detroit? i dont think i will. they don't need someone as broken as me in their lives.

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